I sit in the tub, my refuge from the world, rereading my words, editing, wondering if I have the strength to publish them, to share them, knowing there are parts that may upset people close to me. I talk about how I feel, sometimes those words are hard to hear. I’ve referenced divorce, not because I want one but because some days I don’t know if I’m strong enough to make the changes I’m trying to make or if I can live with the things I can’t change about our situation.
I married very young. I was lost and floundering as a single mom. I thought my marriage could save me. It didn’t. But I learned that my expectations were unreasonable. Marriage based on salvationary ideas will fail. It was never my husband’s job. And he had no idea where to start or what I needed, partly because I didn’t either.
We have both tried and are still trying almost sixteen years on. My husband has followed me to every counsellor, marriage help session, couples therapy and family therapy I could drag him to. We met with some success and for a while things would get better.
We’ve had some wonderful times, made some great memories, birthed two amazing children, and enjoyed some very passionate chemistry.
There’s a great deal I love about my husband but there are also a few traits that I wish I could change. I’m sure the sentiment is mutual. I have no delusions of perfection, if anything I don’t give myself enough credit for what I do get right.
I know I can’t change my husband. I can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to do. And he shouldn’t be trying to change me either. It doesn’t mean we can’t change but that the changes have to come from within ourselves to be truly life altering.
But here’s the question and the point we find ourselves at. Can we live with what we can’t (or won’t) change?
I do explore those ideas in my writings, my feelings surrounding our current situation. They are my feelings and while they may elicit a visceral reaction, the reaction is yours. As I own my feelings, you must own your reactions. It’s easy to lash out, not so easy to sit with the emotions and examine where they come from and why.
Part of the reason for my blog and my writings is exactly that. I am conducting a soul review, digging up what I’ve long kept buried, figuring out what I need and want and going through what I already have and doing a clean sweep to choose what will stay and what no longer serves me. Some decisions will be easy to make, others more complicated but at the end of it all, the question that needs answering is this, “does this honour me, my soul, my life?” If the answer is no than it is time to let go and move on and to find a way to do so in a way that honours the past, present and future.
All I ask is to bear with me as I go through this soul review. It’s a new road for me too and there will be mistakes, but I am pleading for understanding, patience and space to try new things, to let go and to scream and cry and laugh and be real, really real. It’s not an easy thing to ask, but it is what’s needed and as the title of my blog is soul nudism, it’s part of the journey too.