… and I’m not proud of myself.
My thoughts are very dark, very angry. The lid came off. I dropped all the balls I’ve tried so hard to keep in the air and going round and round….
Maybe it was the car accident this weekend that’s put me on edge…. More than I’m admitting too. I’m trying very hard to stay positive. I’m not hurt, the kids weren’t with me, etc…. But it’s hard not to be affected by it somehow, the process is stressful, physically hurt or not.
I just wanted some help today from my teenager who is off over the exam break. I even gave him a warning last night before we went to bed that I would be needing his help today. That I wanted to tackle a job or two that I could use his help with. They weren’t crazy, difficult jobs. Just helping me move boxes around and maybe do some dishes. He’s the first one to complain at the constant disorder of the house, but when I ask for help, it’s not easy getting any, and he’s not the only one who is hard to get motivated.
I started asking him to get up about 10 am, at 1pm he was still in bed. I called him multiple times, I tried to entice him with food, I nagged and finally, I just lost it. I said some things I shouldn’t have, my anger spilled over and I became very ugly. I even kicked an empty cardboard box down the stairs.
What made it worse? My three-year old started yelling at me, feeding me back the same anger I was dishing out. He was just imitating me… It was very hard being on the receiving end of it.
So then there were tears. Body shaking, hot, angry, painful tears…
I hid in my room away from my three-year old so he wouldn’t see it. Only the dog was there, and I’m not sure she even knew what to make of it. I don’t cry.
I texted my husband and let him know what had happened. He’s the one who is supposed to lose his cool, and I’m the one that’s supposed to do the patching up. Who does the patching up when I lose my cool?
Right now, I’m not ready to apologize for my anger. I’m just sitting with it. If there’s anything I could use, it’s someone to make me a cup of tea….
Earl Grey, two sugars, please… And yes, leave the teabag in!